Upper Michigan Rules

The Rules of UPPER Michigan are as Follows:

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a'dirt road.'. No matter how slow you drive, you're goin to get dust on your Lexus. Get out of the way!

4. To us they are cattle. Think of them as livesteaks.. They smell funny to you, but they smell like money to us. Get over it..

5. We're not impressed that you have a $60,000car.. We have $150,000 corn pickers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6.. Every person in Upper Michigan waves at you. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. We fry our fish after catchin' 'em. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the 15th of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special'on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce and ketchup. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat.... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College & High School Football is as important here as the Bears or the Bulls, & a dang site more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses.. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. Plus we have the Michigan Militia! So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

20. Four inches of snow isn't a blizzard -it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska! Worst case, you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.

21. I-94 goes east and west, I-75 goes north andsouth.. Pick one.